After a drive straight North armed with Stewart's Soda Pops, milkshakes, and copious amounts of beef jerky...



You're ready for:

44 Hours in Montreal

(Times estimated. Inaccuracies are guaranteed.)

SATURDAY

2:00 PM- Arrive in Montreal and check in at Square Phillip’s Hotel. The people there are really friendly and your room is the biggest hotel room you have ever seen.

2:30 PM- Drag yourself away from watching some cheesy show on CTV about a drug addict musician and the love triangle she’s caused and head up to the rooftop indoor pool.





4:00 PM- Wander aimlessly down Rue St. Catherine. Get followed by a weird drifter dude who only speaks French and insists on continuing to speak to you in French even though you don’t understand a word. Make a left on Rue St. Denis to get rid of him- Oh look, Rue St. Denis is a nice street with lots of shops to look at. Whew! Continue to wander aimlessly.

5:00 PM- You are freezing your buns off. Head down to Saint-Laurent Boulevard and hit up Schwartz’s Deli for a smoked meat sandwich. “Smoked Meat” is French-Canadian for “Pastrami.” Order a side of pickles and pommes frites. Burn the crap out of the roof of your mouth by biting into your sandwich before it’s cooled (You will suffer from this for the rest of the weekend). Marvel at the piles of brisket behind the counter.







5:20 PM- Realize that your meal didn’t take nearly as much time as you thought it would. Head on down Saint-Laurent and do some more window shopping (at this point all of the shops are either closed or closing). Alternate: Check yourself into a hospital for the heart attack you’ve just suffered. Have a triple bypass. (Note: this option will use up the rest of your 44 hours)



6:00 PM- You’ve successfully avoided a heart attack, but now you just might freeze to death. Fight the bitter cold by stopping in at Cafe Pi for a cup of coffee and a game of chess. Find further amusement by reading an issue of the Canadian Vice, ogling the cute Montreal hip artsy boys, and watching the NFL playoffs.







8:20 PM- Continue down Saint-Laurent, turn right at Avenue du Mont-Royal Est and stop in at Bily Kun for a beer or two. Try not to be freaked out by the stuffed ostrich heads on the wall as the atmosphere is otherwise very enjoyable. They have a great selection of interesting beer and wine.

9:30 PM- Wander aimlessly yet again hoping to find some cool bars. End up back on Saint-Laurent in the loudest rock “club” you have ever been in. Pay a $5 cover only to use the restroom and immediately leave because your ears are bleeding.

10:00 PM- Grab a table at Blizzarts down the road. There’s a DJ spinning in the back and a dance floor, but the uber hip crowd hasn’t decided to dance yet. You realize that you started your night far too early, but you enjoy the scene anyhow.





MIDNIGHT: Stop in to grab some poutine at Frites Alors! on your way back to the hotel. Poutine is french fries and cheese curds topped with gravy. Another healthy snack. When you finally get your frozen butt back to the room, gobble them down immediately. Realize that no one makes french fries better than people in Montreal. Fall asleep to the sounds of your tummy gurgling and your trip buddies groaning.





SUNDAY

10:02 AM: Wake up and realize that the continental breakfast ended at 10. Run down in your pajama pants and discover that, thank goodness, breakfast is still out. Square Phillip’s has the yummiest pink grapefruit juice I’ve ever had. I don’t even normally like grapefruit juice. Try a Montreal bagel only to discover that they are inedible. Montreal is famous for their bagels but they make them differently than in the U.S.A. and I definitely prefer the U.S.A. version.





12:00 PM: Hop on the subway (So new! So clean!) and go to Old Montreal (the oldest part of the city).









1:00 PM: Visit the Basilica of Notre Dame. Your admission fee includes a guided tour in English of the beautiful church, inspired by Sainte-Chapelle in Paris (my favorite!). Impressive facts: The organ has over 11,000 pipes. Celine Dion got married here.

















2:00 PM: Take a stroll around Old Montreal and feel like you’ve stepped into Europe. Some of the shops sell bizarre things like wooden penises and monkeys smoking pot.









3:00 PM: Time to eat again! Take the subway back to Rue St. Denis and stop in at a diner for some lunch (make sure to get a side of frites!). Hit up the four thousand record shops and vintage clothing stores. Explore some of the side streets and discover lots of cute houses, restaurants and tiny shops.



5:00 PM: Stop at a grocery store for All Dressed Ruffles (salt, vinegar, onion, and red bell pepper?) and a bottle of dry Canadian red wine. Head back to the hotel to rest, shower and change for going out. Take a cab this time. You’ve had enough walking in the freezing cold for one weekend.



9:00 PM: Go to a delicious French dinner at L’Express. It’s so authentically French that the waiters will be really mean to you. If you’re lucky, they’ll snap at you to “Pay attention!” in French like they did to me and squish your group of three into a table for two. Fortunately, you will be too busy devouring your delicious duck special to give a damn. Finish off your meal (and the rest of that bottle of red wine) with some amazing Roquefort cheese. Chat and let the meal digest until you are the only patrons left in the restaurant.








Midnight: Take a cab to Chez Paree– the “classiest” strip club in Montreal. If this is the classiest strip club, I’d hate to see the others. However, there is no cover, the girls are very pretty, and if you are traveling with a boy, he won’t let you NOT go to a strip club whilst in Montreal. You will see a girl with the biggest, most muscular ass (and thighs) strip to “I Like Big Butts”. She will show you the pole dancing skills she learned as a gymnast in The Ukraine. If you are a lady and have to pee, you will have to get the key from the creepy bouncer because that’s how they prevent girls from getting attacked by the skeezy male clientele. The bouncer will try to fondle you and make jokes about vibrators.



1:30 AM: Walk the half mile home to your hotel. Notice that you are being followed by a shady dude and practically run the last few blocks so as not to get mugged.

MONDAY

9:30 AM: Wake up to find it has snowed four inches. Eat breakfast and head out immediately on the treacherous, unplowed roads.