My friend Haley wrote the loveliest post about me on her website ( www.haleyneef.com). It made me tear up. I think everyone should be lucky enough to have friends that have known them since elementary school. No matter how much you change, they knew you when you had that really bad fourth grade haircut with thick bangs and sideburns and looked like Elvis. Or when in 8th grade you had sausage bangs that everyone secretly made fun of and you wore terry cloth clothing. They know why your nickname is 2 cents and they were the one to give it to you. They know who your crush was in high school, what car he drove, and the first time you talked to him. They can make fun of you for all this stuff, but they also know you have just as much dirt on them. As I learned in Girl Scouts, "Make new friends, but keep the old-- One is silver and the other's gold."

Today I went to the Bronx Zoo with Jenn, Joel and Christie. Much fun was had by all, but I must warn you that the zoo closes at 5pm-- and they ain't kidding around about that. The clock stikes five and no animals are to be found. It's like they have Dumbledore-like apparation abilities. Stupid us didn't think about that and got there around 3. 12 bucks for 2 hours at the zoo??? I must say, the Mouse House was the highlight of my trip. I've never actually gone in there before, but it was awesome. We saw these rats that were the size of full grown housecats. Actually, they were probably bigger than most housecats. They were the size of raccoons. They have a really pretty name though. They are called "Slender-tailed Cloud Rats." Christie thought I should take one home as a pet cause it really seemed to like me, but I was afraid it might eat my face off. The sign said they eat fruit and shit, but I don't know... This is a picture of one, although it is hard to tell the scale from the picture. Trust me, these things were huge. Also, I feel like the ones we saw were not this white and fluffy. The sign said they can grow up to three feet long. Picture that giant swamp rat from The Princess Bride in the pit of despair...

My friend Pat is a funny guy and a good writer. He has lots of opinions. Some of which I agree with.

My posting today is a response to Pat's own witty and well-written blog posting.

Yes, I have limited creativity of my own.

Suck it.


Here goes (Pat equals Red, Sam equals Green-- Merry Fucking Christmas):

Alright, I can't tackle big issues every day, it takes too much out of me. That is why today's post will be all about abortion. I'm kidding. Let's talk entertainment!
First, have you seen the new Target commercial? It's an ad for school supplies, featuring the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, "Baby Got Back." (Side question: Who knighted Mix-A-Lot?) Now, don't get me wrong, I've shaken my white nonexistent ass to this tune many a time, but do you think it's appropriate to use a song that includes the immortal line "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun?" in an ad for school supplies? Featuring little kids dancing? They changed the lyrics, granted, but it's still...weird. The only line I remember is "Baby Got Backpacks!" which I'll admit is kind of funny, and the song has been in my head all day, so mission accomplished. But, come on, what's next? "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails in a Huggies ad? Insertion shots in the next "Harry Potter" movie?

Yes, Pat, I have seen this commercial, and I, for one, am all for it. I find it hilarious. Like these kids haven't heard things far worse than "Baby Got Back" on mainstream radio?? The thing I find far more disturbing is that my roommate made a reference to "Baby Got Back" the other day and asked, "Do you know that song?" Are you f-ing kidding me?! Does Ohio State suck?! I'm fairly certain it's a given that anyone in the United States between the ages of 18 and 35 not only knows that song, but they can recite each and every word of it.

Also, I'd definitely like to see some sex scenes in the next Harry Potter movie. Ron and Hermione anyone? Harry and Ginny? Maybe Ron and Harry can tap that Fleur in some hot threeway action... The material is already scary as hell, why not throw some gratuitous sex in with that violence?

Last night I saw a Broadway musical and then watched The Notebook. Do you have any male friends you could set me up with? Seriously, how gay an evening is that? I was with my lady, so shut up. The musical was The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, (I give it a B+), and it was really funny. I could relate to the story, as I was my school's spelling bee champion 4th, 5th AND 6th grade, ladies! (I use that as a pickup line sometimes, it's always a seat-dampener). See Spellbound (B+) the movie as well for a pretty scary documentary look at some of these spelling bee kids.
On a side note, in the fifth grade, I would have gone to the state spelling competition, but got embroiled in a race scandal. A fifth grade spelling bee race scandal! Swear to God! More on that some other time.
As for The Notebook, (B-), pretty solid. I know girls treat that movie like it's the second coming of Dirty Dancing, (B+), but it's not even that good. James Garner was great, I would have much rather watched the story of the two old people, with the occasional Gosling/MacAdams flashback, as opposed to the other way around. I can't get into love stories where both parties are more beautiful than me. I always just feel like, "Hey, Ryan Gosling! Stop sulking! If this one doesn't work out, you could always go fuck every girl in the world because they all want to do you." It's hard to get emotionally involved.

I really did not like The Notebook at all. I thought it was boring and totally lame. It made me throw up in my mouth, swallow it, and then throw it up again. Thank God I just Netflixed it and didn't pay actual money for that shit. I do think Rachel Mac Adams is really pretty though. I liked her in Wedding Crashers (see below). And I'd give Spellbound a solid A-- outstanding film. It's not just about a spelling bee, it's about the American Dream (sniff sniff). I only ever excelled in the geography bee. Yes, kids, that exists in Michigan. In sixth grade I almost won it, but my mind went blank on a gimme question. ADOBE, dammit, ADOBE!

You ever notice how Dirty Dancing and Grease (A-) are the favorite movies of just about every female? There's nothing wrong with either picture, but favorite movie? And both movies have a pretty harmful message for young girls. That message is: "If you want to get a guy, you have to be a slut. No guy will want your virginal ass, so throw on some leather and lipstick and grind on his dirty bits." I'm not saying that message isn't true, I'm just saying it's harmful.

Agreed. I must say, though, I am a woman and neither of these would count as favorites for me. Maybe I should start taking them more seriously though. Hot pants would probably get me further with the men than hot dogs... Speaking of favorite movies, you still have my copy of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Now THERE'S a real message flick-- Whorehouses are a ton of good clean fun. Let 'em be! And, Dolly, stop taking Burt Reynolds' money and get him to commit already.

This weekend, I saw the Billy Bob Thornton vehicle The Bad News Bears (A-). That shit was funny! Not Bad Santa (A) funny, but really good. Wedding Crashers (B+) is getting all the press as being the savior of American comedy, but I probably laughed harder and more frequently at this little jewel. Don't get me wrong, WC was very funny, Vince Vaughn was hilarious, and that Isla Fisher who plays his girlfriend is adorable. But what's with all these articles about how it's good to see a movie so raunchy and vulgar, a return to the old days of "R" rated laughs, and how it pushes so many boundaries? Look, it's a romantic comedy, basically My Best Friend's Wedding (A-) with some tits. And frankly, not enough. There's Something About Mary (A+), OK, that broke some boundaries. Semen, genitals in a zipper, yes, this is new territory. American Pie (A) as well. WC is funny, but don't say it's the return of raunch. Still, lot of laughs there, and a good film. Can I ask you, though, what was up with that ten minute wedding montage at the beginning? Ten minutes of them dancing and eating cake at weddings? We get it! These guys crash weddings! That guy likes cake! At least put some jokes in there.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory (B) I've got mixed feelings about. I loved the first half, I was all up in it's chocolatey goodness. But oddly, right when they arrived at the factory, my interest petered out. Right after those burning puppets, which were great and creepy, I didn't care much. And that's so weird, because in the original Willy Wonka (B+), all the stuff with Charlie is shockingly boring. Has there been a more tedious and depressing song in mainstream family cinema than "Cheer Up Charlie?" I remember Mrs. Bucket, like, stirring a pot of gruel while she sang and looked longingly at Charlie as he ran up the street. TOOT TOOT! Next stop snoozeville! But then Gene Wilder comes in and tears shit up. I love Johnny Depp, really I do, but I wasn't feeling his Wonka. And the kids should have been funnier.

I can't bring myself to go see this new version because Johnny Depp's Wonka really freaks me out. Is it just me, or does he look the spitting image of Amelie??? (Speaking of my favorite films...)

Okay, that's it.

Go to Pat's blog for funny reading on a regular basis (much funnier than mine...)
http://www.patrickwalsh.blog-city.com/

I've decided to apply to be on MTV's Made- "I Want to be a Competitive Eater"

I still have to make a short video, but here's my application:

1) What is your dream/goal? Describe why you want to accomplish this goal. (Have you ever tried to reach this goal before? What steps have you taken to reach this goal in the past, if any?)

I want to become a competitive eater. I want to enter an eating contest and win it (There are eating contests all the time—if I were to be picked, I would enter one that fit the schedule of the show production)

My family has always been astounded by my incredible ability to pack it in (especially since I’m a pretty small girl) and I’d like to use this talent for the good of humanity. I think that people look at me and see a weak little thing and I would like to prove I’m a competitor. All my friends in college played varsity sports and were really athletic and they called me “no sport Sam.” For once, I’d like to be “Cool sport Sam.”

I entered my first (and so far, only) eating competition this year just before Memorial Day. The challenge was to eat a 30 inch hotdog as fast as possible. In my qualifying heat, it was just me and a giant 40 year old man. All I had to do to make it to the finals was finish the hotdog and I couldn’t do it. His children mocked me. I felt so ashamed as everyone in the restaurant watched me get bested by a 30 inch weiner. I will not let this happen again. In my next eating contest I will not only finish, but I will win.

2) Why do you need MTV’s help? What is preventing you from accomplishing this goal on your own?
I need training. I’ve seen Kobayashi—he eats pounds of cabbage and drinks gallons of water in the weeks before a competition. I need someone to provide me with the technique and discipline it takes to be a competitive eater.

3) How would achieving this goal change your life?

I would earn the respect of my peers. I think I could really do well in these competitions, in which case I could win a lot of cash and prizes—which would definitely help my broke ass out. A lot of people follow eating competitions now. I could have fame and glory. Lots of screaming fans. Maybe even find a boyfriend…

4) How long do you think it will take you to reach your goal? How long will you need to train for? I think a solid month would be fine…

5) Describe the type of training you think you’ll need in order to accomplish this goal?

Taking on all-you-can-eat buffets. Staging my own mini challenges. Drinking gallons of water and eating a lot of cabbage to stretch out my stomach. Learning food specific techniques for faster eating.

6) If there are tryouts for this goal, when are they?

There are no tryouts, you just have to sign up in advance for the competitions with the International Federation of Competitive Eating ( www.ifoce.com )

Hot times, summer in the city...

Here are some pictures from my summer. I don't have my own digital camera, so they are kind of limited to what other people send me...
Anyway, the fireworks, as you probably guessed (cause most of the people I know are fairly bright I think) are from the Fourth of July. That was the awesome view from my rooftop. Much fun was had by all. The other picture is from when I went to the beach with the Canadians. I actually just met those two girls that day, but I think it is a happy picture. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm just wearing a smurf-like house dress. I guess I kind of look a bit porky in this picture, but I like it, so there.

Alright, so as I really suck at calling people, I've decided to start a blog. We'll see how long this lasts...

Let's catch you up on what you've missed in the past year...

1) I live in Brooklyn. I love it. I have a great view of Manhattan and a lovely roof for parties. I have 2 roommates. I like them.

2) I was a Page at NBC. It was fun. I worked a lot. I saw a lot of celebrities and many tapings of Conan, SNL and the fabulous Last Call with Carson Daly (cough). I met some great people too. Above are a few pictures of my Page friends.

3) I have TV night every Tuesday night at Meredith's with my Page "sisterhood" (Wednesday night's when America's Next Top Model is in Season)

4) I spend the rest of my time with Katie and Stephanie-- two of my best friends from Columbia and my muses :) We like to make dinner and eat peppermint patty brownies.

5) Now I work in kids tv development...I'm also developing my own show called "Motor City"-- which may or may not make it to your tv screens one day.

6) I have read pretty much every teen novel out there and have seen every teen or tween film ever released.

7) In an attempt to achieve my competitive eating dream, I took on a 30 inch hotdog shortly before labor day. It bested me. Stephanie made me eat all morning and I wasn't hungry. Now I'm hungrier than ever. I'll take down that hotdog next year. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

8) Yes, kids, I am still single. See #7 if you wonder why.

I guess that's about it for now...I'm sure you'll pick things up as we go along...or not.