My friend Pat is a funny guy and a good writer. He has lots of opinions. Some of which I agree with.

My posting today is a response to Pat's own witty and well-written blog posting.

Yes, I have limited creativity of my own.

Suck it.


Here goes (Pat equals Red, Sam equals Green-- Merry Fucking Christmas):

Alright, I can't tackle big issues every day, it takes too much out of me. That is why today's post will be all about abortion. I'm kidding. Let's talk entertainment!
First, have you seen the new Target commercial? It's an ad for school supplies, featuring the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, "Baby Got Back." (Side question: Who knighted Mix-A-Lot?) Now, don't get me wrong, I've shaken my white nonexistent ass to this tune many a time, but do you think it's appropriate to use a song that includes the immortal line "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun?" in an ad for school supplies? Featuring little kids dancing? They changed the lyrics, granted, but it's still...weird. The only line I remember is "Baby Got Backpacks!" which I'll admit is kind of funny, and the song has been in my head all day, so mission accomplished. But, come on, what's next? "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails in a Huggies ad? Insertion shots in the next "Harry Potter" movie?

Yes, Pat, I have seen this commercial, and I, for one, am all for it. I find it hilarious. Like these kids haven't heard things far worse than "Baby Got Back" on mainstream radio?? The thing I find far more disturbing is that my roommate made a reference to "Baby Got Back" the other day and asked, "Do you know that song?" Are you f-ing kidding me?! Does Ohio State suck?! I'm fairly certain it's a given that anyone in the United States between the ages of 18 and 35 not only knows that song, but they can recite each and every word of it.

Also, I'd definitely like to see some sex scenes in the next Harry Potter movie. Ron and Hermione anyone? Harry and Ginny? Maybe Ron and Harry can tap that Fleur in some hot threeway action... The material is already scary as hell, why not throw some gratuitous sex in with that violence?

Last night I saw a Broadway musical and then watched The Notebook. Do you have any male friends you could set me up with? Seriously, how gay an evening is that? I was with my lady, so shut up. The musical was The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, (I give it a B+), and it was really funny. I could relate to the story, as I was my school's spelling bee champion 4th, 5th AND 6th grade, ladies! (I use that as a pickup line sometimes, it's always a seat-dampener). See Spellbound (B+) the movie as well for a pretty scary documentary look at some of these spelling bee kids.
On a side note, in the fifth grade, I would have gone to the state spelling competition, but got embroiled in a race scandal. A fifth grade spelling bee race scandal! Swear to God! More on that some other time.
As for The Notebook, (B-), pretty solid. I know girls treat that movie like it's the second coming of Dirty Dancing, (B+), but it's not even that good. James Garner was great, I would have much rather watched the story of the two old people, with the occasional Gosling/MacAdams flashback, as opposed to the other way around. I can't get into love stories where both parties are more beautiful than me. I always just feel like, "Hey, Ryan Gosling! Stop sulking! If this one doesn't work out, you could always go fuck every girl in the world because they all want to do you." It's hard to get emotionally involved.

I really did not like The Notebook at all. I thought it was boring and totally lame. It made me throw up in my mouth, swallow it, and then throw it up again. Thank God I just Netflixed it and didn't pay actual money for that shit. I do think Rachel Mac Adams is really pretty though. I liked her in Wedding Crashers (see below). And I'd give Spellbound a solid A-- outstanding film. It's not just about a spelling bee, it's about the American Dream (sniff sniff). I only ever excelled in the geography bee. Yes, kids, that exists in Michigan. In sixth grade I almost won it, but my mind went blank on a gimme question. ADOBE, dammit, ADOBE!

You ever notice how Dirty Dancing and Grease (A-) are the favorite movies of just about every female? There's nothing wrong with either picture, but favorite movie? And both movies have a pretty harmful message for young girls. That message is: "If you want to get a guy, you have to be a slut. No guy will want your virginal ass, so throw on some leather and lipstick and grind on his dirty bits." I'm not saying that message isn't true, I'm just saying it's harmful.

Agreed. I must say, though, I am a woman and neither of these would count as favorites for me. Maybe I should start taking them more seriously though. Hot pants would probably get me further with the men than hot dogs... Speaking of favorite movies, you still have my copy of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Now THERE'S a real message flick-- Whorehouses are a ton of good clean fun. Let 'em be! And, Dolly, stop taking Burt Reynolds' money and get him to commit already.

This weekend, I saw the Billy Bob Thornton vehicle The Bad News Bears (A-). That shit was funny! Not Bad Santa (A) funny, but really good. Wedding Crashers (B+) is getting all the press as being the savior of American comedy, but I probably laughed harder and more frequently at this little jewel. Don't get me wrong, WC was very funny, Vince Vaughn was hilarious, and that Isla Fisher who plays his girlfriend is adorable. But what's with all these articles about how it's good to see a movie so raunchy and vulgar, a return to the old days of "R" rated laughs, and how it pushes so many boundaries? Look, it's a romantic comedy, basically My Best Friend's Wedding (A-) with some tits. And frankly, not enough. There's Something About Mary (A+), OK, that broke some boundaries. Semen, genitals in a zipper, yes, this is new territory. American Pie (A) as well. WC is funny, but don't say it's the return of raunch. Still, lot of laughs there, and a good film. Can I ask you, though, what was up with that ten minute wedding montage at the beginning? Ten minutes of them dancing and eating cake at weddings? We get it! These guys crash weddings! That guy likes cake! At least put some jokes in there.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory (B) I've got mixed feelings about. I loved the first half, I was all up in it's chocolatey goodness. But oddly, right when they arrived at the factory, my interest petered out. Right after those burning puppets, which were great and creepy, I didn't care much. And that's so weird, because in the original Willy Wonka (B+), all the stuff with Charlie is shockingly boring. Has there been a more tedious and depressing song in mainstream family cinema than "Cheer Up Charlie?" I remember Mrs. Bucket, like, stirring a pot of gruel while she sang and looked longingly at Charlie as he ran up the street. TOOT TOOT! Next stop snoozeville! But then Gene Wilder comes in and tears shit up. I love Johnny Depp, really I do, but I wasn't feeling his Wonka. And the kids should have been funnier.

I can't bring myself to go see this new version because Johnny Depp's Wonka really freaks me out. Is it just me, or does he look the spitting image of Amelie??? (Speaking of my favorite films...)

Okay, that's it.

Go to Pat's blog for funny reading on a regular basis (much funnier than mine...)
http://www.patrickwalsh.blog-city.com/