My sister and I have been doing the 12 hour drive between New York and Detroit for over 6 years now. We know it like the back of our hand. We know that there's a city somewhere in Pennsylvania called "Scotrun" which we misread every time and giggle (think male anatomy). We know that the trucks in Pennsylvania are psycho and Toledo is a dirty dirty city. We see signs for many things along the way: The Land of Make Believe, The Little League Hall of Fame, Cracker Barrel...but we aren't tempted to stop at any of these places. The only billboard that has ever given me the sudden urge to veer off the road and take a small detour from the trek home advertises what I have always been certain must be the greatest place on earth: Beef jerky Unlimited. The beef jerky outlet. An entire store filled with jerky. I always figured it must have been a mirage. My eyes playing tricks on me on the homeward stretch just past the Michigan border. The sign boasts "over 30 flavors of beef, turkey, pork, chicken and wild game jerky" and it has haunted my dreams. You see, my sister and I typically do this drive overnight, which means we never pass the famed Exit 6 during the scope of normal business hours. I have never visited the jerky outlet, my dream store. Never, that is, until today. Yes, folks, I have now crossed the threshold of this former "Land of Make Believe." Beef Jerky Unlimited exists and it's beautiful.

Heather and I got there around 10 AM. We pulled into the parking lot, dusted the dog hair from our nappy sweatpants, and wandered inside. The store was empty when we entered save for about, well, 30 large barrels in the middle of the floor filled with different jerky. A large man wearing wranglers and sporting a mustache shortly came out from the back room to greet us. I think it can pretty much be guaranteed that he was surprised to see us. He definitely looked a bit confused at the presence of two young girls first thing in the morning at the jerky store. Obviously the first thing out of his mouth was, "So, where are y'all from?" We were clearly not from around these parts. He gave us a brief tour of the jerky and invited us sample anything we'd like. I tried some of the "beer flavored" beef jerky and it was damn good (I'm told it's the favorite of the local kids as well), so I got some of that as well as some teriyaki beef, honey BBQ pork jerky and a BBQ sausage stick. Yum. Hands down the best jerky I've tasted.

Folks, it's your lucky day...there's a website. For all your jerky needs please visit www.beefjerkyunlimited.com -- and how!

And now, for your viewing pleasure...jerky art as created by me.

I just got back to Brooklyn. I think my Christmas tree is dead. I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to droop like this...

What would a trip home be without:

a) a trip to Buddy's Pizza

b) at least one trip to the 'Bou (Caribou Coffee that is.)

I got both in today- yahoo! Of course, we had to get the same weirdo waiter we had two years ago at Buddy's (Zach) who likes to touch us and flirt with us in a totally uninvited creepy way. We like to call him the Hobbit... Turns out he went to Hebrew school with Lauren (or is it Wanda?). He insisted he knew me too ("What's HER name?") but Tracee told it to him straight. We knew he had sadly been working at Buddy's for the past two years...
Of course there were two kids from high school at Buddy's and we didn't say HI to either of them...I made a lot of eye contact with Matt Cohen, but it was mostly cause for the first hour I couldn't figure out if it was him or not...I think I weirded him out, cause he went over to talk to Brooke Germansky and he didn't come say hello to us...I love how Lauren and I are still totally afraid of kids we went to high school with and it's been 6.5 years...you would think we would be over the trauma by now, but apparently it never goes away. I got some Dum Dums for the road though. Cream Soda...yummmm...

We ended up having to go to the Caribou at 14 mile (which sucked cause that increased our chances of running into more people from high school). Katie Ambrose was there. I totally didn't go over and talk to her. I guess I just like to avoid the awkwardness as much as possible.

Tracee also saw some dude (who we call "Boston") that Jill Buffington set her up on a blind date with in 9th grade...he was weird and kept emailing her all the time and stuff afterward...

I did, however, get the trivia question right and therefore received 10% off my white chocolate mocha...How many days is Hannukah celebrated?(8 duh) and are the candles lit from right to left or left to right? (right to left)-- But, seriously, how many people in West Bloomfield DON'T know the answer to that???

Here we are outside our favorite chain...yes, most 24 year olds would maybe go to bars or something, but old habits are hard to break, and we were bigtime nerds in high school...



We got Luchi to make it out for the SECOND DAY IN A ROW (record-breaking) and she even brought the little bro (who is now, scarily enough, a sophomore in high school), He talks with a deep voice and uses full adult sentences. It's so weird.
Here are the happy siblings:



Lauren doesn't like getting her picture taken, but Tracee loves Lauren...



Where was Haley? I have no idea, but after the guilt trip she gave ME for not returning calls, I can't believe her candor at totally ditching us tonight. We are SO even.

Look at me go-- 2 new posts in one day! Thanks, parents, for getting me a digital camera...I'm now officially part of the 21st Century.

Today I met up with my friends from high school and went to lunch at Olga's (it's a Michigan thing), but only after withstanding a severe guilt trip from Haley about never returning calls (see, readers, it's not just you). This was about the 14th guilt trip I've gotten this month about such behavior, and I'm really beginning to feel like a horrible person/friend, SO (fingers crossed) I really think I might change my ways this year...

After lunch, Haley took us over to the good ole West Bloomfield Public Library where her mom is the head of the Children's realm. Yes, we are big nerds. Yes, this library was awesome. The new library is huge and they have lots of fun things for kids (and 24 year olds) to play with. Here's the group (Me, Tracee, Haley and Lauren- and Tracee's boy toy Wes) having a fun time in the storage room...



Then, miracle of miracles, we were actually able to get in touch with the elusive Meghan Luchi, so we just had to drive over to her mom's house and see her while we knew we could. Good thing we caught it on camera, it may never happen again!



And here's Haley just being her hot little self. As her boyfriend's brother said, "I could tell she was totally a nerd in high school, but she's a hottie now." I'd like to think that's the best way to be...

Yay! I got a digital camera for Christmas! Lucky you. That means now I will be one of those annoying photo bloggers. I'll be all "Look at this really neat rock I saw on the street today" and "Look at this bum I saw peeing outside my house." Yeehaw.






Isn't my niece adorable? Yeah. I like golden retrievers better than babies.

And here, people, is what I look like when I actually put on makeup. Whoa.

Okay, so I finally saved all my Austin City Limits pictures to my computer...
Here's batch number one-- these are all of Toni Price performing her regular Tuesday night gig at The Continental. She's awesome and very much an alcoholic.

I will probably post Austin pics next week since my boss will be out of town, but for now, I've joined an improv group called Varsity.

We have a show at Caroline's coming up.

See below for details:

Hi everyone!
Carolines gave us the best compliment ever by asking our improv team, Varsity, to return in just a month. Not only that, we are excited to announce that the improv team AMERICA will be joining us!
This is truly a show that cannot be missed!
VARSITY
&
AMERICA!
And it's only $5!!!!!!!!!!!
Details:
Carolines Comedy Club October 26th 9pm Call: 212-757-4100 (make sure to say code word "Varisty" or "America" otherwise tix are $15) *Call asap!*
Related links:
http://www.nickgibbons.com/america_menu.html
http://www.varsityimprov.com
http://www.cage-match.com/index.php?option=scores
<- America won Upright Citizens Brigade cage-match 7 times in a row!

AUSTIN CITY LIMITS is this weekend!!!

I'm sure I will have lots of fun pictures when I get back...it seems like everyone and their brother is going this year. No wonder, the lineup is amazing!

Here's the list of bands:


Coldplay
Widespread Panic
Oasis
The Black Crowes
The Allman Brothers Band
Wilco
Roky Erickson & The Explosives
Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Lyle Lovett & his Large Band
John Prine
Lucinda Williams
Buddy Guy
Jet
Dierks Bentley
Thievery Corporation
Arcade Fire
Death Cab for Cutie
Bob Mould Band
Built to Spill
Bloc Party
Steve Earle & The Dukes
Blues Traveler
Franz Ferdinand
Gov't Mule
Drive-By Truckers
Kasabian
Zap Mama
Robert Earl Keen
Keane
Tortoise
Doves
The Black Keys
Kaiser Chiefs
Leo Kottke & Mike Gordon
The Walkmen
Jason Mraz
Rilo Kiley
Spoon
The Decemberists
The Bravery
Eisley
Blue October
Grupo Fantasma
Kermit Ruffins
The Dirty Dozen Brass Band
Bettye La Vette
Rev. Dan Willis & The All Nations Choir
Morgan Heritage
Ricardo Lemvo & Makina Loca
Ruthie Foster
deSol
The Frames
Mates of State
Mindy Smith
Martin Sexton
The Fiery Furnaces
Aterciopelados
Kathleen Edwards
Asleep at the Wheel
M83
Tegan and Sara
Mike Doughty's Band
Split Lip Rayfield
Rachael Yamagata
Bobby Bare Jr.
Mofro
The Ditty Bops
The New Amsterdams
Ambulance Ltd
Slightly Stoopid
dios (malos)
Brave Combo
Aqualung
Dave Alvin & The Guilty Men
John Butler Trio
Bruce Robison
Missy Higgins
Nine Black Alps
Kevin Fowler
Jack Ingram
Cory Morrow
Grady
The Weary Boys
Wayne “The Train” Hancock
Monte Warden
Zykos
Soundteam
Asylum Street Spankers
Pong
Oliver Future
The Real Heroes
Bukka Allen
Hairy Apes BMX
Nic Armstrong & The Thieves
The Lost Trailers
The Gospel Stars
Donna The Buffalo
The Shields of Faith
Star Kids Yoga
The Jones Family Singers
South Austin Jug Band
The Lighthouse Singers
Kacy Crowley
Casey McPherson
Tristan Prettyman
The Massacoustics
Joe McDermott
Sara Hickman
Anthropos
The Palm Elementary School Choir
Lucas Miller
Imagination Movers
Free Sõl
Jeff Black
KJAE
Austin Hartley-Leonard
Maneja Beto
Austin Collins Band
The Biscuit Brothers
Naturally Seven
Patrick Davis
Kelley Hunt
Kate York
The Experiment Experience

Very exciting indeed. Not to mention the fact that I'm staying with Emily until Wednesday and therefore will get to see Toni Price play one of her famous Tuesday night shows. Can't wait!!!

If you are going and haven't been, here's my advice:

1) Carry a gallon of water around with you all day. Last year it was so hot (with zero shade) that I almost fainted in the first hour we were there. I had to go lay down in the kiddy tent because I couldn't see.

2) Bring a hat of some variety. Preferably a straw cowboy hat...when in Rome... You will be very thankful for the shade.

3) Don't wear any clothes you don't want getting dirty. Last year when I got autographs from the members of Wilco I looked like a hobo. You are in a dusty park and you sit on the ground a lot. You will be dirty.

4) Make sure to check out who's signing autographs and when. I felt kind of stupid waiting for autographs, but it's cool to be able to meet some of your favorite artists.

5) Go see Rilo Kiley on Sunday. They are the best!

The contents of my basket 9:30 AM this morning at Duane Reade:

• 4-pack of Hanes Her Way "Sporty Briefs"
• 1 Box of Super absorbency Tampax Tampons
• 1 Box Duane Reade Brand pantyliners
• 1 Lady Speed Stick "Orchard Fresh" Deodorant
• 1 Travel toothbrush with mini toothpaste

Explanation?

a) I was buying supplies for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

b) I stayed over last night at Debbie's hotel in midtown (She is in the city for interviews at law firms and they put her up in nice hotels) and got my period this morning on the way to work.

Answer: B

I also ran into my sister when leaving Debbie's hotel as she works in a law firm right next door, making me look incredibly shady. BUT, I did finally get to see her beautiful engagement ring-- yay Heather-- she's engaged!

The good news is: I am leaving for Austin City Limits on Thursday!!! I am so excited I might puke. Last year was great and I think this year will be even better. I bought a straw cowboy hat yesterday at Urban Outfitters for 5 bucks (HELLO extra 50% off sale!) and I am ready to get down with my bad self!

On a lighter note, I was watching TBS last night and caught the end of Blast From the Past, a movie I totally forgot existed. It's amazing to me that movies like this end up with all-star casts...I mean, how does this happen? I think the only possible explanation is that people in Hollywood often choose projects based on the people involved (friends, etc) and then one day they wake up and realize, "holy shit, I've gone and made Blast From the Past!" Okay, I guess it's not a horrible movie, but it's got Christopher Walken, Alicia SIlverstone and Brendan Frasier.

Okay, I take back this whole rant, cause really we should just question the choices of these three actors. All are actually really good, but all seem to not be choosy at all about what they appear in. I think they all must function under a philosophy of, "if someone wants to give me money, I'll play any part in the world."

The next movie on was Sugar and Spice, another movie I had forgotten about. Did you know that one of the characters in the movie is obsessed with Conan O'Brien? I totally did not remember that part of the movie. Weird. Especially cause that was made in the days before Conan was really huge as a talk show host...

huh.

I will now recount last Friday, September 2nd for your reading pleasure.

I went out with Katie Day Thursday night to our college friend Amy's Birthday party. I had a couple beers, but it wasn't like I was massively drunk or anything. I came home, ate something, drank a glass of water, and went to bed.

Friday morning I wake up feeling like I have been plowed over by one of those large and very noisy trucks that druise past my apartment on Columbia Street. I throw up. "Gosh," I think, "I must have been more drunk than I thought last night cause I am seriously hungover." I was mystified, but alas, I figured I made my bed so I should lay in it and made myself go to work. I get to work and at first glance my boss says, "Um, Are you okay??" cause I clearly looked like death warmed over. "Oh yeah," I say, thinking I am just hungover, "I just woke up this morning feeling like I could really use another hour of sleep..." Good one, Sam.

I actually had a lot of work to do, but any time I would start to focus on a given task I would feel a wave of nausea and have to head to the bathroom to throw up. I slyly did this three times before I start thinking, "Gee, maybe I'm not just hungover," and was suddenly hit by an overwhelming need to lay down on the floor. My boss wasn't in her office, so I sent her the following email:

To: Juliet
From: Sam
Subject: Help

i just threw up.

i hope you don't mind but i am laying down in martha's office.

i don't know if i have food poisening or what, but i am really dizzy.

And with that I went into Martha's office (she's not in on Fridays) and curled up on the floor clinging to a sweatshirt.

About two minutes later my boss rushes in freaking out because of course she hadn't seen the email and has just walked past Martha's office to find me passed out on the floor. She thinks I am dead.

FLASHBACK: It's Thrusday night. I'm pondering what to make myself for dinner. I open the fridge. I have no groceries except for some hamburger patties I made last Friday night for BBQ-ing and didn't use. Hamburger it is! Andy walks into the kitchen and says, "Um, are you sure that meat's okay?" "Oh, yeah, sure, it's fine," I say, "What's the worst that could happen?"

Return to me curled up in the fetal position on the floor of an office at work. Shaking.

Shit.

I continue to sleep on the floor of the office for the next four hours only waking to throw up what little is left in my stomach into a trash can, which Tiffany, angel that she is, disposes of for me. Eventually I take a dramamene, drink a few sips of gatorade and am sent to my boss' house in a car, toting Saltines, gatorade, canned soup and the latest copy of In Touch, so graciously purchased by Jenn and Tiffany at Walgreen's.

I fall asleep immediately in Juliet's guestroom (the comfiest bed in the world btw) and wake up around 6pm. I call my sister and find out she is engaged (!!!), eat some soup, and tell Juliet "I'm just going to lay down for one more hour." I wake up at 7:15am the next morning to Juliet poking me in the side, making sure I am alive. "Yeah, I'm alive," I tell her and fall immediately back to sleep for two more hours. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I finally go home.

I will never eat questionable meat again.

What a weekend! I am totally exhausted.

Let me tell you about brunch yesterday:

DISCLAIMER: For anyone who may, for one reason or another, read this blog entry that doesn't really know me- I am not an alcoholic. I didn't even drink until 2 years ago... Please don't judge my character from this entry.

Jenn's Birthday was last Thursday and we decided to celebrate with brunch at Essex on the LES Sunday. Meredith made reservations for 1pm. We all show up on time and Mr. Green Shirt nerdy host man decides that we are not cool enough, so he does that brilliant smile and look right through you to us for about a half hour. Every now and then he looks at us as if he's just noticed us and says, "Oh, hello, who are you all?" At which point we say, "Meredith, party of five...same as the last six times you have asked us..." At which point he pretends he doesn't remember that we have told him this six times, apologizes profusely and begins ignoring us again. After about an hour of this, he pretends he feels awful (even though he has most definitely given our table to people without reservations that showed up after us) and tells the bartender to give us drinks on him...which he doesn't...We wait for 20 more minutes and finally are seated upstairs.

Now, the reason we came to Essex in the first place is they have a 15 dollar Prix Fix brunch that includes 3 drinks of your choice (bloody marys, screwdrivers, or mimosas). By the time we sit down, we are damn well ready for these drinks and we all quickly down drink number one. Drink number two and another half goes down with our food-- which I must say was damn yummy. As we finish our food, the busboy notices that we are at the bottom of our third drinks. We are already paying the check and he brings us all drink number 4.

At this point the waitress comes by. "I'm sorry," she says, "but my boss is bugging me to get y'all out here cause it's really busy and we need your table." We look at her like she has four heads. Is this acceptable behavior??? It's our friend's Birthday, we all still have full drinks, and we have only been sitting there for an hour...after waiting an hour for the table that was supposedly reserved for us. We tell her this. She doesn't care. Downstairs we go to the bar with our 4th drink and Meredith, thank you girl, bitches out the stupid guy in the green shirt. We finish drink number four and head out...just in time for a rain shower.

Now, I don't normally have four drinks in an hour on a Saturday night, let alone a Sunday afternoon. It's 3pm...some people are just getting out of church for Christ's sake (no pun intended). And I am drunk. DRUNK. That kind of drunk where you feel a little buzzed at first, but you drank everything so quickly that by the time you are on the subway home it all hits you and you are wasted by the time you get back to your house.

I got home and popped a disc of Wonderfalls (which you all should Netflix btw) into my DVD player and passed out in my bed. I made it through a couple of episodes and threw up. Now I know that was maybe an overshare, but I feel that it is actually quite important for me to share this with you all: NEVER THROW UP AFTER DRINKING BLOODY MARYS. It burns. It burns like a thousand devils. Especially if it comes out your nose.

Needless to say, when I went to Pat and Joe's for dinner I drank only water.

I just saw a dude in the elevator with some hilarious bling. It was a giant Jesus head and his crown of thorns was made of diamonds.

Money.

A few weeks ago, my friend Pat wrote a delightful blog posting about how much he hates going to bars in New York City. I am a firm believer that all folks disillusioned with the NYC bar scene just have to get their asses over the Brooklyn Bridge (or over the Manhattan Bridge, or through the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel...). I'm not talking Williamsburg. Williamsburg is just an extention of the East Village at this point. I'm talking about my beloved haunts off the ole F Train line. And the best places of all? Red Hook, baby.

Last night, my roomies and I took the trusty B61 down to Hope and Ladder where it's Karaoke night Thursday through Saturday. Andy sang Superstitious and I sang my all-time favorite Jolene by Dolly Parton. There was this little girl there (I'm guessing she was maybe 8...) who sang just about every other song and I wanted to take her home in my pocket. The first time we heard her sing we were all like, "Is this a recording of the chipmunks" and we were looking everywhere for the singer...and then we looked down. This girl was just so fricking cute, and her Repertoire - priceless. I love that about New York/Brooklyn. When I was 8, I had to be in bed by 9pm. This girl is not only awake at 10:30 on a Thursday night, she's in a bar...singing karaoke.

Then it was on to Lillie's, just about my favorite place on the planet (http://www.whiskyrebellion.com/lillies.html). Lillie's is just about as far out in Red Hook as you can get. There are wild dogs roaming the streets (no kidding!) and when you walk in, you feel like you've stepped back in time to 1956. Honestly, I don't think anything has changed in that place in 50 years. Usually, we're the only ones there at first and then a few other people trickle in over the course of the night. We know all the bartenders and Lillie herself usually rolls in with kisses and hugs for everyone. Last night, we ruled the open mic. Andy and his friend from work performed a million songs. Lillie sang one accapella, and then there was Pearl. Oh, Pearl. She was so great.

We had seen Pearl and her daughter earlier getting off the B61. They asked us if we were going to Lillie's (I guess it was obvious...) so we weren't surprised when they came into the bar later that night. Apparently, Pearl is in town from the Ozarks housesitting for Jan, an Irish bartender who also plays in the bluegrass band The Maybelles (I was wondering why Jan wasn't there...). Pearl is one of those people that has seen a lot of things. You take one look at her and think, "Now there's a woman who's lived some life." Her skin is old and wrinkled, her voice is husky, and she probably hasn't had a hair cut since 1982. When she sings, she sings from her soul and you know she's telling the truth. She sang this one song called "I Burned my Dead Lover's House Down on the Way to Work Today." No kidding. She told us she had this friend who had a lover (yes, she said "lover") who died, and one day she casually let it drop that she had burned her lover's house down that morning. Like it was no big thing. Oh, the stories I bet Pearl could tell.

Lillie asked me for the millionth time if I was going to sing, so, folks, next week I will make my big open mic debut. Andy's going to learn a couple songs to play with me and I will sing. There you have it.

I am having issues with pictures on my blog...if there are a million copies of one picture on this page that's why...

Here's the Ren Cen with the lovely People Mover tracks in the foreground.

Pictures from my weekend in the Big D.

I went home this past weekend for the first time in a year and a half. Yeah, that's right. Ask the kids who worked with me last Christmas Eve when I broke down on the phone with the customer service lady at the post office how I felt about this fact...it wasn't pretty..."But it's my first Christmas away from home and I have to work and I can't even get my presents! WAHHHH" Oh, the poor woman on the other end of the phone...

ANYWHO~ I went home last weekend.

My sister and I rented a car and drove overnight Thursday with her gi-normous golden retriever who decided it was a fun game to jump from the front to the back of the car over and over again for 11 hours, landing with her huge feet and nails digging into my crotch every time she made it to the front seat. Needless to say, I have some nasty bruises in some nasty places...

Friday we chilled on the lake for a little bit and went to Trader Joe's. My sister and I basically looked like alcoholics. Wine and beer is so cheap there that we both ended up with a cart filled entirely with alcohol. Party on. Oh yeah, and I went to BIFF's Coney Island (Gotta love the name!) with L-squared and Evan, who I haven't seen since the last time I was home. For those of you that don't know, Coney Islands are Detroit restaurants usually found in mini malls that serve a mix of diner food, greek food, and these awesome hotdogs with chili, onions, and everything else you can think of (aka the "Coney Dog").

Saturday was a little rainy so we went to the grocery store AGAIN. We bought lots of yummy things and my aunt, uncle and cousin (just back from Iraq) came over for a BBQ. Oh yeah, my sister's friend Laura also came over (freshly back from 7 months in Sweden). She had a cool new short haircut, and after dinner, we gave it a trim with the old clippers. What fun! Then I went to The Village Place with Lauren. What memories! Village is this 24 hour diner where everyone used to hang out in high school cause there's nothing else to do in Michigan...We saw this kid there who graduated with us with his mom. Lauren thought it was Doug Drazin, but she was way off. It was James Rubinstein (a different nerdy gangly Jewish boy). Good times, good times.

Sunday, I got up early and drove to Detroit to take a bunch-o-pictures for my coworkers so they know what it looks like when we work on Motor City (that show I made up). I stopped at Kroger's to buy some Johnsonville brats, Vernor's and Faygo and then my sister and I started the long trek home.

Overall, a great time. I forgot how lovely Michigan can be. Enjoy the pics.

So, as some of you know, I have been really frustrated with Coke's claim to 1 in 12 odds on their under-the-cap contest. I buy at least one 20 ounce diet Coke a day and over the course of the two or so months they have been running the promotion have never won a single free 1 liter of Coke. 1 in 12 my ass.

However, I think I have solved the problem. My coworker Kirk has been spoiling the odds for all of us. Day after day I continue to not win and day after day Kirk ends up with a winning cap. Seriously, he's won like 45 times...

SO, finally today, to test his luck, as I stood in line behind Kirk at the deli, I made him switch bottles with me. We got back to the office, and sure enough, Kirk didn't win today and I WON my first free 1 liter of Coke. Kirk clearly has some freakish sixth sense for winning Coke bottles and it's draining the pool for the rest of us dammit.

My neighborhood is crawling with celebrities...

1) My sister and I went to see a noon showing of The Aristocrats yesterday at Cobble Hill Cinemas and Rob Cordry from The Daily Show was sitting in the audience by himself.

2) Michelle Williams and her baby's daddy Heath Ledger have been spotted numerous times by me and my roomates in the hood. We figured they lived in Cobble Hill because they were spotted at places like Hill Diner where you wouldn't be traveling from far and wide to go to eat...BUT we now have confirmation. The happy couple is, in fact, currently living on my sisters block in a brownstown at about 2nd and Clinton. My sister was walking her dog yesterday and Linus (the dog) mauled a random dude walking with his lady friend. The dude was Heath Ledger- who apparently beemed and then walked with groceries from Key Foods with Michelle Williams up the stoop to a brownstone. She also passed him on her way back with the dog taking out the trash.

3) My sister spotted Michael Stipe (love of my life, if only he were not gay) sitting on a stoop on Warren between Smith and Court one day.

4) I've spotted Ben Kweller- whose song "My Apartment" is about his Cobble Hill place...

There have been more but I can't think of them right now... just goes to show that celebrities are picking up on what a cool place Brooklyn is...

I am officially falling apart.

1) It occurred to me yesterday that I never got my tax refund in the mail. So, I went on the IRS website and it told me that I needed to know exactly how much I was owed. So I went home last night, fished through my bedside cabinet and found the large white envelope my friend Lisa sent me after preparing my taxes. I open it up and pull out the papers inside and see some lovely stickers on them saying, "SIGN HERE." There are also addressed and stamped envelopes inside. I never sent out my taxes. OOPS. For some reason, when they came in the mail, I opened the envelope, glanced in and thought, "Oh look, Lisa sent me copies of my tax returns, I'll just file these away," without actually pulling the papers out of the envelope and examining them. Needless to say, I am sending these out today.

2) I got a blister on my thumb this morning blow drying my hair. Are you kidding me? I feel ridiculous even admitting this. Apparently my round brush is a bit harsh on the old thumb.

God help me.

Actual phone message from Sat. night: "Hey Sam, it's Haley. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was flipping through channels and I saw Kobayashi eating on ESPN. It's Saturday night, so you are probably out doing something exciting and not watching TV, but I just wanted to let you know..."

The sad truth:
I WAS home watching eating competitions on ESPN. I had my phone in the other room and didn't hear it cause I was engrossed in the drama that is the US Open for Competitive Eating. I went out after it was over...

This thing was awesome.

It was at ESPN Zone in Vegas, so all the food was ESPN Zone bar food.

First round I saw was chopped salad. We're talking giant bowls of iceberg lettuce with olives, salami cubes, tomato quarters, croutons and dressing. Unbelievable. The Black Widow won her heat in a landslide victory consuming exactly two of these giant bowls in the allotted time. Eater X (rookie of the year) had great style and took down his worthy apponent. Also moving on were Kobayashi and Ed "Cookie" Harris.

The semi-final round was potato skins (yes, with bacon, cheese and sour cream). 4 lb. plates of them. The Black Widow dominated Eater X-- he didn't even have a chance. His stomach capacity is just not up to snuff yet. Kobayashi killed Cookie with perfect form. He brilliantly stacked one skin on top of another skin kind of putting the potato back together again- and then he ate with these rapid rodent-like bites, turning the potato round and round till it disappeared. Cookie was stuffed. His eyes started glazing over and he just couldn't take down enough food.

The final round: The 6lb. sampler platter. Crudite, Swedish meatballs, spinach dip, tortilla chips, chili, chicken fingers and a buffalo chicken sandwich. The Black Widow put up a good fight, but it was Kobayashi again who dominated the food.

Overall, an inspiring evening.

Last night I sat across from a man on the subway whose penis tip was hanging out the bottom of his shorts. They weren't short shorts either. I didn't know whether to throw up or give him a high five, so I did both.

gross.

My friend Haley wrote the loveliest post about me on her website ( www.haleyneef.com). It made me tear up. I think everyone should be lucky enough to have friends that have known them since elementary school. No matter how much you change, they knew you when you had that really bad fourth grade haircut with thick bangs and sideburns and looked like Elvis. Or when in 8th grade you had sausage bangs that everyone secretly made fun of and you wore terry cloth clothing. They know why your nickname is 2 cents and they were the one to give it to you. They know who your crush was in high school, what car he drove, and the first time you talked to him. They can make fun of you for all this stuff, but they also know you have just as much dirt on them. As I learned in Girl Scouts, "Make new friends, but keep the old-- One is silver and the other's gold."

Today I went to the Bronx Zoo with Jenn, Joel and Christie. Much fun was had by all, but I must warn you that the zoo closes at 5pm-- and they ain't kidding around about that. The clock stikes five and no animals are to be found. It's like they have Dumbledore-like apparation abilities. Stupid us didn't think about that and got there around 3. 12 bucks for 2 hours at the zoo??? I must say, the Mouse House was the highlight of my trip. I've never actually gone in there before, but it was awesome. We saw these rats that were the size of full grown housecats. Actually, they were probably bigger than most housecats. They were the size of raccoons. They have a really pretty name though. They are called "Slender-tailed Cloud Rats." Christie thought I should take one home as a pet cause it really seemed to like me, but I was afraid it might eat my face off. The sign said they eat fruit and shit, but I don't know... This is a picture of one, although it is hard to tell the scale from the picture. Trust me, these things were huge. Also, I feel like the ones we saw were not this white and fluffy. The sign said they can grow up to three feet long. Picture that giant swamp rat from The Princess Bride in the pit of despair...

My friend Pat is a funny guy and a good writer. He has lots of opinions. Some of which I agree with.

My posting today is a response to Pat's own witty and well-written blog posting.

Yes, I have limited creativity of my own.

Suck it.


Here goes (Pat equals Red, Sam equals Green-- Merry Fucking Christmas):

Alright, I can't tackle big issues every day, it takes too much out of me. That is why today's post will be all about abortion. I'm kidding. Let's talk entertainment!
First, have you seen the new Target commercial? It's an ad for school supplies, featuring the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, "Baby Got Back." (Side question: Who knighted Mix-A-Lot?) Now, don't get me wrong, I've shaken my white nonexistent ass to this tune many a time, but do you think it's appropriate to use a song that includes the immortal line "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun?" in an ad for school supplies? Featuring little kids dancing? They changed the lyrics, granted, but it's still...weird. The only line I remember is "Baby Got Backpacks!" which I'll admit is kind of funny, and the song has been in my head all day, so mission accomplished. But, come on, what's next? "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails in a Huggies ad? Insertion shots in the next "Harry Potter" movie?

Yes, Pat, I have seen this commercial, and I, for one, am all for it. I find it hilarious. Like these kids haven't heard things far worse than "Baby Got Back" on mainstream radio?? The thing I find far more disturbing is that my roommate made a reference to "Baby Got Back" the other day and asked, "Do you know that song?" Are you f-ing kidding me?! Does Ohio State suck?! I'm fairly certain it's a given that anyone in the United States between the ages of 18 and 35 not only knows that song, but they can recite each and every word of it.

Also, I'd definitely like to see some sex scenes in the next Harry Potter movie. Ron and Hermione anyone? Harry and Ginny? Maybe Ron and Harry can tap that Fleur in some hot threeway action... The material is already scary as hell, why not throw some gratuitous sex in with that violence?

Last night I saw a Broadway musical and then watched The Notebook. Do you have any male friends you could set me up with? Seriously, how gay an evening is that? I was with my lady, so shut up. The musical was The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, (I give it a B+), and it was really funny. I could relate to the story, as I was my school's spelling bee champion 4th, 5th AND 6th grade, ladies! (I use that as a pickup line sometimes, it's always a seat-dampener). See Spellbound (B+) the movie as well for a pretty scary documentary look at some of these spelling bee kids.
On a side note, in the fifth grade, I would have gone to the state spelling competition, but got embroiled in a race scandal. A fifth grade spelling bee race scandal! Swear to God! More on that some other time.
As for The Notebook, (B-), pretty solid. I know girls treat that movie like it's the second coming of Dirty Dancing, (B+), but it's not even that good. James Garner was great, I would have much rather watched the story of the two old people, with the occasional Gosling/MacAdams flashback, as opposed to the other way around. I can't get into love stories where both parties are more beautiful than me. I always just feel like, "Hey, Ryan Gosling! Stop sulking! If this one doesn't work out, you could always go fuck every girl in the world because they all want to do you." It's hard to get emotionally involved.

I really did not like The Notebook at all. I thought it was boring and totally lame. It made me throw up in my mouth, swallow it, and then throw it up again. Thank God I just Netflixed it and didn't pay actual money for that shit. I do think Rachel Mac Adams is really pretty though. I liked her in Wedding Crashers (see below). And I'd give Spellbound a solid A-- outstanding film. It's not just about a spelling bee, it's about the American Dream (sniff sniff). I only ever excelled in the geography bee. Yes, kids, that exists in Michigan. In sixth grade I almost won it, but my mind went blank on a gimme question. ADOBE, dammit, ADOBE!

You ever notice how Dirty Dancing and Grease (A-) are the favorite movies of just about every female? There's nothing wrong with either picture, but favorite movie? And both movies have a pretty harmful message for young girls. That message is: "If you want to get a guy, you have to be a slut. No guy will want your virginal ass, so throw on some leather and lipstick and grind on his dirty bits." I'm not saying that message isn't true, I'm just saying it's harmful.

Agreed. I must say, though, I am a woman and neither of these would count as favorites for me. Maybe I should start taking them more seriously though. Hot pants would probably get me further with the men than hot dogs... Speaking of favorite movies, you still have my copy of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Now THERE'S a real message flick-- Whorehouses are a ton of good clean fun. Let 'em be! And, Dolly, stop taking Burt Reynolds' money and get him to commit already.

This weekend, I saw the Billy Bob Thornton vehicle The Bad News Bears (A-). That shit was funny! Not Bad Santa (A) funny, but really good. Wedding Crashers (B+) is getting all the press as being the savior of American comedy, but I probably laughed harder and more frequently at this little jewel. Don't get me wrong, WC was very funny, Vince Vaughn was hilarious, and that Isla Fisher who plays his girlfriend is adorable. But what's with all these articles about how it's good to see a movie so raunchy and vulgar, a return to the old days of "R" rated laughs, and how it pushes so many boundaries? Look, it's a romantic comedy, basically My Best Friend's Wedding (A-) with some tits. And frankly, not enough. There's Something About Mary (A+), OK, that broke some boundaries. Semen, genitals in a zipper, yes, this is new territory. American Pie (A) as well. WC is funny, but don't say it's the return of raunch. Still, lot of laughs there, and a good film. Can I ask you, though, what was up with that ten minute wedding montage at the beginning? Ten minutes of them dancing and eating cake at weddings? We get it! These guys crash weddings! That guy likes cake! At least put some jokes in there.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory (B) I've got mixed feelings about. I loved the first half, I was all up in it's chocolatey goodness. But oddly, right when they arrived at the factory, my interest petered out. Right after those burning puppets, which were great and creepy, I didn't care much. And that's so weird, because in the original Willy Wonka (B+), all the stuff with Charlie is shockingly boring. Has there been a more tedious and depressing song in mainstream family cinema than "Cheer Up Charlie?" I remember Mrs. Bucket, like, stirring a pot of gruel while she sang and looked longingly at Charlie as he ran up the street. TOOT TOOT! Next stop snoozeville! But then Gene Wilder comes in and tears shit up. I love Johnny Depp, really I do, but I wasn't feeling his Wonka. And the kids should have been funnier.

I can't bring myself to go see this new version because Johnny Depp's Wonka really freaks me out. Is it just me, or does he look the spitting image of Amelie??? (Speaking of my favorite films...)

Okay, that's it.

Go to Pat's blog for funny reading on a regular basis (much funnier than mine...)
http://www.patrickwalsh.blog-city.com/

I've decided to apply to be on MTV's Made- "I Want to be a Competitive Eater"

I still have to make a short video, but here's my application:

1) What is your dream/goal? Describe why you want to accomplish this goal. (Have you ever tried to reach this goal before? What steps have you taken to reach this goal in the past, if any?)

I want to become a competitive eater. I want to enter an eating contest and win it (There are eating contests all the time—if I were to be picked, I would enter one that fit the schedule of the show production)

My family has always been astounded by my incredible ability to pack it in (especially since I’m a pretty small girl) and I’d like to use this talent for the good of humanity. I think that people look at me and see a weak little thing and I would like to prove I’m a competitor. All my friends in college played varsity sports and were really athletic and they called me “no sport Sam.” For once, I’d like to be “Cool sport Sam.”

I entered my first (and so far, only) eating competition this year just before Memorial Day. The challenge was to eat a 30 inch hotdog as fast as possible. In my qualifying heat, it was just me and a giant 40 year old man. All I had to do to make it to the finals was finish the hotdog and I couldn’t do it. His children mocked me. I felt so ashamed as everyone in the restaurant watched me get bested by a 30 inch weiner. I will not let this happen again. In my next eating contest I will not only finish, but I will win.

2) Why do you need MTV’s help? What is preventing you from accomplishing this goal on your own?
I need training. I’ve seen Kobayashi—he eats pounds of cabbage and drinks gallons of water in the weeks before a competition. I need someone to provide me with the technique and discipline it takes to be a competitive eater.

3) How would achieving this goal change your life?

I would earn the respect of my peers. I think I could really do well in these competitions, in which case I could win a lot of cash and prizes—which would definitely help my broke ass out. A lot of people follow eating competitions now. I could have fame and glory. Lots of screaming fans. Maybe even find a boyfriend…

4) How long do you think it will take you to reach your goal? How long will you need to train for? I think a solid month would be fine…

5) Describe the type of training you think you’ll need in order to accomplish this goal?

Taking on all-you-can-eat buffets. Staging my own mini challenges. Drinking gallons of water and eating a lot of cabbage to stretch out my stomach. Learning food specific techniques for faster eating.

6) If there are tryouts for this goal, when are they?

There are no tryouts, you just have to sign up in advance for the competitions with the International Federation of Competitive Eating ( www.ifoce.com )

Hot times, summer in the city...

Here are some pictures from my summer. I don't have my own digital camera, so they are kind of limited to what other people send me...
Anyway, the fireworks, as you probably guessed (cause most of the people I know are fairly bright I think) are from the Fourth of July. That was the awesome view from my rooftop. Much fun was had by all. The other picture is from when I went to the beach with the Canadians. I actually just met those two girls that day, but I think it is a happy picture. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm just wearing a smurf-like house dress. I guess I kind of look a bit porky in this picture, but I like it, so there.

Alright, so as I really suck at calling people, I've decided to start a blog. We'll see how long this lasts...

Let's catch you up on what you've missed in the past year...

1) I live in Brooklyn. I love it. I have a great view of Manhattan and a lovely roof for parties. I have 2 roommates. I like them.

2) I was a Page at NBC. It was fun. I worked a lot. I saw a lot of celebrities and many tapings of Conan, SNL and the fabulous Last Call with Carson Daly (cough). I met some great people too. Above are a few pictures of my Page friends.

3) I have TV night every Tuesday night at Meredith's with my Page "sisterhood" (Wednesday night's when America's Next Top Model is in Season)

4) I spend the rest of my time with Katie and Stephanie-- two of my best friends from Columbia and my muses :) We like to make dinner and eat peppermint patty brownies.

5) Now I work in kids tv development...I'm also developing my own show called "Motor City"-- which may or may not make it to your tv screens one day.

6) I have read pretty much every teen novel out there and have seen every teen or tween film ever released.

7) In an attempt to achieve my competitive eating dream, I took on a 30 inch hotdog shortly before labor day. It bested me. Stephanie made me eat all morning and I wasn't hungry. Now I'm hungrier than ever. I'll take down that hotdog next year. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

8) Yes, kids, I am still single. See #7 if you wonder why.

I guess that's about it for now...I'm sure you'll pick things up as we go along...or not.